Jake's Take: Fowl Trouble

Magic Radio producer Jake Chapman spends hours on end alone in his studio. If that’s not depressing enough, he regularly talks to himself. Jake’s Take is an aggregate of his ramblings, musings, and occasionally coherent thoughts.

Posted by Jake Chapman, Sunday, December 9, 2012, 10:45 AM

Fowl Trouble

Yahoo! Sports reported not long ago that the New Orleans Hornets were expected to change their team name to the New Orleans Pelicans as early as next season. The news was met around NBA circles with considerable guffawing and snarky wisecracks. “Pelicans? I’d be intimidated if I was a small fish..” they all gibed from the popular kids’ table in the cafeteria. But I liked it. I’m here to fight for the Pelicans. I think it’s an awesome name, and I think New Orleans should go aviary on everyone’s hindquarters.

The Bird theme can be a huge success, just ask Koko B. Ware. But you have to be committed. If you’re going bird, go guano. Hire Larry Bird as team president, with Connie “the Hawk” Hawkins and Meadowlark Lemon as his top advisors. Bring back “The Birdman” Chris Anderson and Brian Cardinal, then trade for Robin Lopez and Nene (a Nene is a Hawaiian goose, duh.) Maybe swing a trade with Rob Hennigan for Goose Ayon and Hedo Turkeyglu. (sp?) You’d obviously play Turk on the wing. Ratchet up your rivalry with the Hawks, then make some jokes about them in the media to really ruffle their feathers. Play Freebird during starting lineups. Give gummy worms to anyone who arrives an hour before tipoff. Sell team-themed underwear called Pelican briefs. This idea has legs. And talons.

Birdlovers everywhere must unite in support of the New Orleans Pelicans. The anti-Pelican lobby is mighty and numerous, resembling a school of fish. Let’s make them eat crow. By promoting a pro-Pelican agenda, we can get NBA diehards used to the name “New Orleans Pelicans,” while easing them off the familiar “New Orleans Hornets,” essentially killing two birds with one stone. Public approval is now the burden of all Pro-Pelicans. That is an albatross we carry around our necks. We must never waver in our Pro-Pelican support. We must fight. We are birds of a feather, and we must… do similar stuff.